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90: interview with a mullethead:

this is Efrem. he's in the band, "Death By Stereo."

he's a singer by trade... ...and a mullet at heart. i interviewed Efrem a couple of days ago. i wanted to know about a few things. i ripped michael williams off and used the IM interview format. it works well. to the interview!

95. interview with a mullethead #2: frontoothlessNYCmullet: (intro) the guy below was chillin' in a bar in the L.E.S. i took his picture, and axed him a few questions.

here's the interview, and, of course, the picture.

MG: so what the fuck is up with the stupid blonde streaks in your hair? i see that a lot here in NYC, and they're somewhat common in S.F -- i think it's pretty gay looking -- standard in S.f., but here, even the girls look queer with this particular style...

Ralph: huh?

MG: your hair, dude, your hair. it looks like vanilla ice got a hold of some speed and locked you in the bathroom with a bottle of peroxide.

Ralph: Yeah man. I gotchya. I dunno, the hairstylist I go to said it's the thing to do these days.

MG: and you just went along with it?

Ralph: Yeah. What would you have done?

MG: i don't have a hairstylist, so i wouldn't have gotten in that predicament in the first place. So what do you think about New York City?

Ralph: I love it, man. It's got everything you need...

MG: like giant, disease-infested rats and shitty burritos?

Ralph: burritos?

MG: yeah dude, burritos. are you drunk or what? burritos! the sustinance of life. i ate one the other day and almost started crying. it's blasphemy to even call these things, "burritos". by the way, it cost me $8.50 and there weren't even any Mexicans working there. what gives?

Ralph: i dunno man. we've got good pizza, and a decent cheese-steak...

MG: cheese steak? c'mon. that just sounds nasty, i'm not gonna eat that shit -- especially without health insurance.
and how the fuck can you compare pizza to a burrito? that's like comparing crack to herb. and don't even get me started on the herb situation here...

Ralph: Um. Yeah, well, it's still got a lot of stuff. Museums, the Yankees, efficient public transportion, tons of beautiful women, bars, burroughs, not to mention the mountains of money.

MG: yeah, you got me there, Ralph. maybe i'm just a bit homesick. i'm going back to SF in a couple of weeks to visit my friends, feel the warmth, and eat some burritos, you wanna come with?

Ralph: right. well, hey. i'm gonna go take a piss -- wait here 'till i come back.

he never returned.

well, i just lied, but not to myself to you -- the remainder of the conversation was kind of boring, but you're welcome to read it anyway.

Ralph: hey man, what's up?

MG: so are you coming with me or what? you can get cheap tickets these days.

Ralph: Well, I can't, I have a wife and kids, a job.

MG: i see. so are you into shit-porn?

Ralph: what?

MG: Jesus Christ man, shit-porn. coprophilia. i hear the guys who do the shitting are paid a lot because of their skills -- i mean, look at the control they have, and the texture of their shits. i wonder if there's a training program for that. i mean, i would love shit on people for a living.

Ralph: Listen dude, I gotta get home...

MG: allright -- nice chatting with you. wait, let me take your picture, give me a shit-eating grin.

Camera: click.

From: "" <porgie454@excite.com>
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2002 17:01:46 -0500 (EST)
To: j@mulletsgalore.com
Subject: cry baby

The site is at the top of the porno-sewage heap America kindly refers to as the internet ... Little else makes me crack up till I have to pee; leaving hard-core pornography in church pews, Ned Flanders, unsuspecting Asians getting pelted with paintballs and mullets galore....but pleeeease stop bitching about NYC (don't say "well then don't go to the site" fuck off, that's fuckin weak). San Fran really is a shit nugget compared to the big apple and I guaran-damn-tee there is an abundance of swanky Mexican joints littered throughout NY that make an ass kicking burrito (just look in the subways, there's enough spics down there to build a pyramid)so ask around , if you try hard enough you can probably get one with a fetus in it .... you'll learn to love it here and here will love you, so until then, relax, keep making easily amused mother-fuckers giggle, and tongue my shitter

-D. Jeter

-D. Jeter,

first off, you're a typical racist dipshit who obviously paid less attention in English class than I did. perhaps you should go down to the subway yourself and ask the "spics" to "tongue" your "shitter"; this would possibly make their "pyramid" less painful as they "erect" it into your feeble rectum. if not, don't worry -- after a while, the forced intrusion will result in much blood -- a damn fine lubricant. don't believe me? just ask your mom. send her my love while you're at it.

now. don't get me wrong, I (heart) NY as much as the next guy. after all, who couldn't help but fall in love at first sight with the imposing concrete, the harsh reality of a man-made, bulletproof habitat, lest we forget the destructive machinery everywhere we look. and who could ever ignore all of these fucking people walking around all over the place? of course, they have to fit somewhere, somehow, so there's the thousands upon thousands of giant brick-coated boxes which house them all in. these stretch for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles. it's so friggin' overwhelming sometimes, i almost believe that they never end. just an eternity of brick encrusted boxes with minimal windows.

and, oh yes, it is loving me back. I pay no mind to the crazed-stares from the countless degenerates creeping around at all hours of the night. I know all to well the cool airy goodness which tickles my face when the "F" is approaching; and, yes, I have become accustomed of the phrase, "stand clear of the closing doors" in a foreign accent.

the rats which scurry betwixt my outstretched legs keep me company during my walks alone at night. they are my friends, my brothers, my comrades. the ominous car service cars and their shady drivers share/invade our space. we play a fun game, us and the cars -- steel versus flesh -- and so far, we still feel that we have the advantage. but alas, in the end, i am certain the rats will prevail.

i have learned so much about myself and my fellow humans during my short stay here. regardless of the age-old stereotype, i find the people here much more nice, real, and grounded than my fellow Californians. they are more than willing to help out whenever needed, they'll engage in conversations with me at bars, and they seem to share a common love for what the rest of the world considers the living, beating heart of Babylon.

yes, my ignorant friend, i must admit, and reiterate, I (heart) NY -- the festering filth-ridden bog of parasitic waste that it is -- i (heart) it with all my (heart). and it (heart(s)) me back.

i just want a decent burrito that won't make my heart long for Taqueria Castillito in Cali. any suggestions? (and benny's burritos can suck the sweat off my choad)

-j.

ps. MG's magic 8 ball sez: You Will Be Shot By Asian Gangsters.

96. partiallybleachedfem-perm-frolet aka (???):

From: DOpEiLLandTiGhT@aol.com
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 01:58:06 EDT
To: j666@mulletsgalore.com
Subject: (no subject)

hi..i love you and your site...you are truly gifted...you do realize right that a lot of black women have mullets..? its amusing...short on top of course and long in the back...the top is even sometimes dyed at the tips...some nonsense they think looks good...damn black females..<im black muhself...but im not mulleted> i will try to capture the essence of one...i dont know what to call it...oh well gotta go later skater...

dopeillandtight,

i do believe i have been witness to the sights you speak of. alas, i am without a clever name as well. it certainly does not fit into the "frolet" category, because of course, there is no 'fro involved, but probably a wrap or a perm, if not extensions.

these type of mullets you described, do they typically have long, fake nails (usually painted gold or orange or green), and chew (smack) gum, and generally cause a ruckus with their boastful voices whilst traveling via public transportation?

are these not the same "booty hos" which so many rappers have referred to? or are they just a subcategory of that blanket term?

it seems as if their mulletude is generally on the upper half of the scale (6-8 as an average), while aggressiveness tends be a bit higher yet (7-10).

please give your input as a brother/sister (i didn't get your gender)--you might have had more experience/contact with said species of mullet in your day than a non-jay-z-listenin'-to-white-guy/square.

please divulge any and all information you can, for i too, am perplexed by this fascinating phenomenon within the culture of the mullet.

surely, the rest of the world is eager to know more about these elusive creatures -- maybe you're the brave mullitia member who can set the record straight.

-j.

From: DOpEiLLandTiGhT@aol.com
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 15:08:17 EDT
To: j666@mulletsgalore.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)

ahhh yes i am a black female..and as i was reading your email im sitting here thinking what the hell would that kind of mullet be called? im going to have to consult with my best friend on that one..but yea..the long fake outrageous colored nails..the loud unnecessary talking in public..these mullets i believe i are usually spotted in clubs..dennys..kmart..and baptist churches with long names..i think their agressiveness is kinda off the chart though..like if one would be in a line at a churdhes chicken and its taking too long -- watch out!!! and they tend to wear clothes that are too small for them that they find at 10 dollar stores..they are wanna-be booty hoes..they dont make the cut..i will try hard to get one on film and get a picture to you too..gotta go bye!!!<3
~yea im black and panamanian..but im all born and raised here..been seeing them mullets all my life..been fearing them too..

my fine panamanian/american friend,

i believe i've come up with a term, though not so clever: partiallybleachedfem-perm-frolet. unless of course, the straightening technique was a little more home-grown, like the use of an iron or crazy chemicals. maybe a wrap too. i'm not so sure though, me being a cracker-boy (aka: johnny, dough-boy, honkey) and all.

i've recently come across some pictures of said mullet-specimen and posted them on my site. good timing too: it's black history month (why "they" chose the shortest month of the year to celebrate this is one for the conspiracy theorists). so pat yourself on the back for being black, have a looksee, and tell me what you think!

thank you for bringing this to my, and the rest of the mullet-curious world's attention.

hope all is well.

-j.

uh huh.	yep.	yeah.	yessir!

97. Redneck Mullet (SC Variation): nothing instills more fear into the hearts of us fellow coldnecks than a close encounter with a Reneck Mullet. Because of their unpredictability, steadfast traditionalism, and close proximity to rustic tools, this autonomous clan of mullets are considered to be some of the most dangerous nape-drapers in existence.

Brave Mullitia Special Unit Member Todd Moore happened upon a pristine specimen and proceeded to take advantage of the opportunity by documenting its essence: