Classifications: Section I

1. classic mullet

classic mullet secret link secret link

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this specimen is a clear demonstration of a classic mullet. Note how this mullet proudly displays his exotic plumage while in a menacing stance -- classic indeed.

The mesh tank-top, digital watch, silver chain, and molestache all add points to this fine specimen's overall look and mulletude.

  • Mulletude: 10
  • Aggressiveness: 10
  • Hobbies: football games, wife beating, picking fights
  • Sightings: everywhere, there's no escape (see eyes)
  • Favorite Band: Steve Miller Band

2. CamaroMullet

CamaroMullet

The CamaroMullet used to have full reign over the mullet brethren, but that was back in the '70s and '80s. This species has fallen from grace since, but can still be seen enjoying NASCAR events and shopping at Kragen, or up in the attic cooking up crank.

Distinguishing features include: a molestache (peach fuzzy), tight-fitting acid wash jeans, and an ever-present key ring hanging from the belt loop.

Feel the mulletude emanating through your computer screen from this rare pic.

It is not recommended you confront the CamaroMullet, for they are very aggressive and cannot be hurt (this might be due to the frequent use of methamphetamines, angel dust, etc.).

  • Mulletude: 10
  • Aggressiveness: 10
  • Hobbies: primering cars, bar fights, picking scabs, losing teeth
  • Sightings: Kragen, Grand Auto, working on a Camaro on their front lawn
  • Favorite Band: AC/DC

3. midgiemullet

midgiemullet

Midgiemullets have the highest MPSI (mulletude per square inch) rating within their species. Irish folklore has it that if you caress the midgiemullet 3 times, you will be blessed with a case-and-a-half of Pabst Blue Ribbon on your doorstep within the next 48 hours.

  • Mulletude: 10
  • Aggressiveness: 10
  • Hobbies: taunting non-mullets, being tossed, bowled
  • Sightings: kicking my ass
  • Favorite Band: Kid Rock

4. businessmullet a.k.a. safety cut

businessmullet a.k.a. safety cut

These mullets want it all: business in the front, party in the back.

When at work, their mulletude offends and annoys their co-workers, but luckily (and not coincidentally), these mullets are rarely in any position of real power (though they tend to think they are).

Interesting creatures, their hair is short enough not to offend the boss, but long enough to keep their rebellious comrades from becoming suspicious.

  • Mulletude: 5
  • Aggressiveness: 3
  • Hobbies: sexual harassment, taking advantage of intoxicated employees at company gatherings, surfing pr0n on company time (with stiffy)
  • Sightings: financial districts, strip clubs
  • Favorite Band: Joe Cocker

5. minitruckmullet

minitruckmullet

Thought to be extinct in 1994, and usually too wily to be caught on camera, the minitruckmullet is a rare sighting indeed. The minitruckmullet has only the bottom part of his hairline on the base of his neck long.

The preferred attire of this species is Oakley Razorblade sunglasses, a turtleneck shirt with a gold cross and chain (hanging proudly), accompanied by tight fitting Guess? jeans.

The vehicle owned by the minitruckmullet almost always has a lame slogan airbrushed on the tailgate ("U Snooz, U Looz," "Teal Dream" etc.) and a "No Fear," "Fear This," or Calvin Pissing sticker.

  • Mulletude: 6
  • Aggressiveness: 7
  • Hobbies: cruising the Taco Bell parking lot at lunch time for high school chicks, annoying everyone in the neighborhood with their insipid car alarms, bumpin' the treble
  • Sightings: performance auto parts stores, the mall
  • Favorite Band: Vanilla Ice

6. mullhawk

mullhawk

punk as fuck.

  • Mulletude: 5
  • Aggressiveness: 3
  • Hobbies: punk as fuck
  • Sightings: punk as fuck
  • Favorite Band: Offspring (i know, i know, they're not really punk, dumbass)

7. mullatino A.K.A. meximullet

mullatino a.k.a meximullet

a person of Latin or Chicano descent adorning a mullet. This happens to be one of my favorite mullet pictures, I like the streamlined, smooth look, and the absence of sideburns. Some mullatinos like to accessorize their mullets with snakeskin boots, big ol' belt buckles, silk shirts (with rooster prints) and colored jeans.

most mullatinos are friendly, family folk--with a passion por lambada--the forbidden dance. or something.

  • Mulletude: 8
  • Aggressiveness: 3
  • Hobbies: Budweiser
  • Sightings: Wal*Mart on Sunday after church
  • Favorite Band: Los Bukis

8. ultimullet

ultimullet

This mullet is the mullet to end all mullets. I can only imagine the time and care it took this man to grow a mullet of this caliber and magnitude. Why this mullet is in a ponytail, I don't know, perhaps to accentuate the hair on his back emanating from the depths of his T-shirt. Or he could have gone through a metamorphosis--which many mullets do during the summer--in order do store the mulletude in the actual mullet for the long winter which lie ahead.

  • Mulletude: 10
  • Aggressiveness: 10
  • Hobbies: none. they live for the mullet
  • Sightings: the wind
  • Favorite Band: Slayer

9. femullet (fem-mullet)

femullet

there are many varieties of the femullet--and contrary to popular belief, not all femullets are dykemullets, but all dykemullets are definitely femullets. Here we see a powerdykemullet.

  • Mulletude: 8
  • Aggressiveness: 7
  • Hobbies: taking (adopted) mulletkids to the county fair, a game called "Bar Slut," fixing motorcycles.
  • Sightings: on the arm of a fellow mullethead, Noe Valley
  • Favorite Band: Indigo Girls

10. mulletard

mulletard

a "special" person blessed with a mullet.

You never know what to expect from these gentle creatures.

yeah, i already know i'm going to hell (if you're laughing right now, you are too).

  • Mulletude: ?
  • Aggressiveness: ?
  • Hobbies: playtime, finger-painting
  • Sightings: your mom's bed, random fields
  • Favorite Band: Raffi, Barney, Pearl Jam